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Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Divorce

Even when you get a divorce you still have the same problems that you had when you were married. When you have kids together you still have to deal with the everyday difficulties. You may not live in the same house, but you have to talk about your kids. Thus, if the reason you got a divorce in the first place has to do with your personalities clashing, the problem is still going to be there whether you are together or not. 

My morals and beliefs are way different than my ex-spouse. Or let me rephrase that. His idea of religion, education, and discipline are very different than my ideas. This poses a very substantial problem given the fact that our children are involved. I see confusion in the minds of my beloved children. I would like to think that a divorce had filled their lives with happiness. That the fighting had stopped. No such luck. It seems to linger there, on more than a few occasions. I know its half my fault that my children have to be in this. It has been almost 10 years. You think, this would be enough time for my kids to get over a divorce. Do kids ever get over a divorce? It's strange I was a child of divorce and I don't even remember my parents really being together nor do I really want to. I am not even sure most days how they even got together in the first place.They as I know them now, are such  an unlikely pair. My mom and my stepdad are such a better fit.

I hope that someday my kids can see this also. Maybe come to peace with the separation of their two parents. See that both of us are happy now and  have moved on with our lives and have both found someone else, and each had another child with the someone else. (gaining a sibling) Realize that we too, just weren't right for each other.

When I hear people talk of divorce and tell me they are thinking of it. It always feels devastating to me. For everything I have gone through, I wouldn't want anyone else to have to. In the big picture this isn't about my ex-husband and I severing our relationship. It came to be about seeing my children hurt. I think now looking back that I will admit, I was being selfish. I was thinking about what I wanted without thinking about how it may actually effect my children. I can argue back and forth to myself and think it would of been worse for the kids for us to stay together. I didn't like them seeing us  fight and be unhappy. Although, Who would like to be in a family where the parents pretend to be in love and only stay together for the sake of the kids? I am pretty sure they would catch on eventually. Then what sort of a upbringing would that be? How would our lives be now if we were miserable everyday? Would this of been healthy for my children to be around?

But seriously when all is said and done. As I am older and hopefully wiser. I have seen that you need to make an effort to keep your relationship alive. That there is always going to be something you don't like about your spouse. No one is perfect. You just have to find a way to work it out. There is always a way to find that love again.

Unless your spouse has done something... like... cheated on you for example, hurt your child,  has physically abused you, or has a major substance problem. I am against divorce. I never thought I would hear myself say this. I just have seen my own children go through way too much to advocate divorce.


7 comments:

Mom said...

I can't tell you how many times I have had your exact thoughts. Even today, after all these years, whenever one of my grown children have a problem I wonder if I was still with their dad, would they have this problem. It is only natural to forever worry, that any problem our child may have that we have caused it. Only a parent that never worries, is a parent that doesn't care. No matter how hard it gets, you do your best and your child will someday realize that you did your best and you were always there for him. Not always agreeing, but loving and guiding them

Anonymous said...

I have to agree. You do what feels like the best you can at the time. You can't do the would have, could have, should have. Mom, I always felt you did an amazing job with what little you had and I always felt loved and that made up for anything that might have been missing. Honest article. K

CNG said...

Waiting around to be physically abused is pretty risky, IMHO.
Mental and emotional abuse are still abuse - cruelty is still cruelty, words hit as hard as a fist, and if you stay, your child is likely to end up with the same sort of sh*tty relationship.

It's better that your children learn they don't have to stay in that sort of environment. And I don't mean ditching right off the bat - go the counseling route of course, see if it CAN improve. But if it can't, if someone just WON'T do what it takes, you have to recognize that it's not healthy and end it.

eastsideartschool said...

@CNG, I do realize that there is many different scenarios when a person makes a decision to get a divorce. When I am writing this post I am basing my opinion on my experience and the effect it has had on my kids. When my ex-husband and I got a divorce we thought that we could make sure that our children were going to be different. That a divorce wasn't going to change anything in their lives. We were going to both be parents very present in our children's lives. No matter divorced or not. Wrong...Even though my ex and I are in their lives together very regularly, this divorce still had hurt them.I do not want to live in a dream world thinking all is perfect in their lives after I got a divorce. This is where I regret not trying harder. My children mean everything to me and if there was something I could of done that could of made them happier.?..this is, the point of my blog post on Divorce.

Quickie Divorce said...

It's difficult, but a succesful divorce is one which sees parents put differences aside and engage in effective coparenting afterwards.

Arguments will still happen, but this is normal and provided that your children are not aware of the disagreements then this is fine.

In fact, a recent study concluded that it is the way a child's parents adapt to divorce, not the divorce itself, that can harm them.I've written about it on our blog and there's a link to the article attached above.

eastsideartschool said...

@ quickie divorce...first of all you are writing from a website trying to sell (quickie divorces) so your opinion is going to be slandered towards divorce being ok.

Your post states "that its the way the parents adapt to divorce that can harm the child."
My children are not being harmed in my opinion, they have felt hurt and confused. These are two different things. My ex-husband and I, whom, you don't know personally. Have co-parented for the last 10 years together and thought we had done everything different then most people in a divorce situation. Believe me, most people I know thought we were weird for still being involved in each others lives as much for the sake of our children. We try not to fight in front of our kids and we have always tried to get along and have one big happy family even when we both got remarried. Its just inevitable that no matter how much you try and think that you can make sure that your children are not going to suffer from the divorce, In a child's eyes.. their two parents are still not together and this is in the long run going to effect them not matter what, in some shape or form. I agree with Divorce only if it is harming the well being of the child, as I stated the reasons at the end of my post.

eastsideartschool said...

Furthermore, the point to my blog post is that you can get a divorce from your spouse. But if you think you are having problems now between the two of you, those problems are not going to go away just because you got a divorce. When there is kids involved you still have to deal with your ex-spouse on a day to day basis. In fact, as a 10 year veteran to co-parenting, after a divorce the problems only seem to magnify in every situation. You are usually at odds with the other parent because you do live in two different households and this heightens the chance of more argument between the parties. So what would be the difference? In my opinion,you are not making the problem go away by getting a divorce. You are only setting your children up for confusion and hurt in the long run.