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Monday, March 19, 2012

What do I want to be when I grow up ?

What do I want to be when I grow up?
Does your job define who you are?

I was brought into this world by a woman who harvested only children with a serious work ethic. I had no choice, it is ingrained in my head.
This weekend I began a new journey as I have done many times before.
I had stressed out for weeks to get it all together just right. I hardly could sleep, I ruined my diet that I recently lost almost 9 pounds on, In turn, I  exercised obsessionally to try and counteract the horrible eating habits. In the midst of trying to calm the nerves, I  tinkered in trying to organize junk in my house only to sink to depression that stopped me in my tracks on how much needs to actually be done. Looking in the mirror I swear I saw three new white hairs emerging out of my head.

With saying all this I am wondering?....Is this all worth it?.... the stress and pressure? To try and put myself out there back into the working world again? Is it sane to say that with having four children I have actually already decided what I wanted to do when I grow up? I only have a few more years and moments with my children and then they are grown. Won't I have plenty of time to start again, when they are out there into their own lives away from home?

 As I have surveyed the destruction of the family unit: The messy messy house, the never ending to do list, the slammed schedule on my calendar, the list of volunteer expectations for my children's activities, the lost time with my children and my husband,  the missing spaces of time to spend with friends, and my sanity. I wondered....and I wondered... when my almost 17 year old approached me this weekend with a phrase of utter disgust that I was really going to work again...she exclaimed," Why mommy are you doing this anyway? I hate it when you are working!" I walked away with wonderment with a nagging voice in my head that rang loudly. Did I not already choose to be a mother? Is this not working hard enough?

1 comment:

mom said...

I think you have made your decision. You are not ready to get into the job market, if it stresses you out this much. Stay with your children, I would have if I had a choice. Clean your house, organize your life and spend the next few years preparing for what you really want to do. Start by getting rid of things you don't need. Plan a garage sale win the kids. Let them sell their things and use the money for themselves. Come up with incentives for them to get rid of stuff. Reorganize your life, set an example for them. Mom